I Quit Smoking!

It’s been 4 weeks and 1 day since I quit smoking!  I haven’t even as much as had a puff off a cigarette in 29 days.  My cravings are subsiding and I am enjoying my new life as a non-smoker.  In retrospect, it was really stupid to start a new diet and quit smoking at the same time.  I discussed it with my life advisors and came to the conclusion that smoking was a far more immediate danger than being overweight.

This means I have a significant amount of Nutrisystem food left over and I’d like to sell it for 1/2 price.  I will make a list of what’s left and post it here for anyone interested in it.

Another big accomplishment: I am going to the dentist today.  It probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but I have been without dental insurance for so long and I am as anxious about going to the dentist as I am afraid of snakes!  I haven’t gone for several years and I am terrified.  The smells, the sounds, that metal pokey thing – they all make my skin crawl.  Still, I am headed to the dentist in just over an hour.  I have several appointments in my near future to get my teeth fixed up.  I’m going to have to just suck it up and deal.

Wabbit Season

My rabbit food lunch:

The Nutrisystem Blueberry Muffin, a cherry nonfat yogurt, and berries (God, I love berries) made for a yummy breakfast this morning.  I survived my cinnamon roll craving.  It occurred to me this morning, out of the blue, that I could do what normal people do and have one cinnamon roll per week on a special day – like on Friday mornings or Monday mornings as a ritual rather than pigging out on them every day.  I know that probably seems obvious to many people, but it was an epiphany to me.

Tonight I am going to go to the gym.  I feel guilty for not going recently.  It’s so simple to go and just do 30 minutes on the treadmill or the elliptical and be done with it for the day, but I make it into this huge task in my mind.  I have a million excuses for not going: no time, I’m tired, papers to grade, tv shows to watch, play with the kids, no clothes to wear, and so on…  but today – NO EXCUSES.

You know, when I lost 140 lbs. it seems like it just melted off and I didn’t have to put in this much effort.  Is two years really that big a difference on the metabolism scale?!  God I hate getting old.

McFatty Monday on a Wednesday

I was sick on Monday and didn’t post, so today is my McFatty Monday.  I have to admit, I have totally sucked at this diet thing.  All I can think about is eating FOOD.  Not Nutrisystem food, but food food!  I feel hungry most of the time and I don’t like it at all.  I totally fell off the wagon this weekend.  I ate out with my husband on Friday night and I didn’t even try – I had spinach artichoke dip with bruschetta, steak, sweet potato fries… I pretty much pigged out.  Being sick this weekend and Monday and Tuesday I didn’t really care what I ate.  I ate too much of everything.  The Nutrisystem Fudge Graham bars are fucking yummy!  I found myself eating them as candy, not as a meal.  I think I ate 3 in a day.  Add that to no exercise – zero, nilch, nada.  No, this is not good.

I begged my husband to bring me cinnamon rolls from CC’s.  All I could think about were cinnamon rolls.  They have me under their spell.  The first chance I got, I got one.  Then another day I had another.  This morning on my drive to work I stopped and got a guilt-free vanilla latte and yet another cinnamon roll, despite having brought my Nutrisystem blueberry muffin and yogurt to work.  Why?  Pure desire.  I want one.

There is a part of me that wants to just cancel my next Nutrisystem order, eat what I have when I feel like eating it so it doesn’t go to waste, and quit trying all together.  What’s the point, really?  Who do I have to impress?  My (wonderful) husband loves me just the way I am and more.  I am not looking to attract a mate.  I don’t need others to find me attractive. So where to go and what to do?  I am terribly discouraged because after initially losing 5 lbs., I lost nothing.  I feel as though it was a waste of time to deny myself the yummy things in life only to find that on the scales it didn’t pay off. So what’s the point of going through this hell in order to lose weight?  Couldn’t I be happier if I just ate freely?  I don’t know the answer to that question, mostly because I am not sure why I am so unhappy deep down in my core.

This week’s McFatty Monday (on Wednesday) report: I didn’t even bother to weigh myself.  I have no idea how much I’ve gained, but I’m certain I haven’t lost any.  I’m in limbo.  Thoughts?

Hungry Hungry Hippo

I feel hungry.  I think I am not eating enough vegetables and the small portions of Nutrisystem food aren’t cutting it.  This morning I had a cherry yogurt and a chocolate chip scone – the last one until I order more food.  I think it’s super delish, but small.  I want to eat three more of them.  For lunch today I am eating the pouch of Chicken Salad with a salad.  I truly hope it is more filling.

I am a little disappointed because I haven’t lost any more weight.  It’s a little discouraging to be hungry and not lose weight.  I was okay with hungry when there was a result that made it worth it, but to be hungry for (what seems like) nothing is quickly becoming a negative experience.

You Don’t Eat… You Don’t Smoke… What Do You Do?

Today is Nutrisystem Day 6 and Smoke-Free Day 13.   For breakfast I had the Nutrisystem Double Chocolate Muffin, raspberries, blackberries, and a Yoplait nonfat cherry yogurt.  I *love* berries.  I swear, I could just eat berries for every meal.  For lunch I am planning to eat the Nutrisystem Noodles w/ Chicken & Vegetables.  I like being able to grab broccoli and cauliflower off the salad bar to go with my lunch – it’s irresistibly convenient!  I have another yogurt and some cherry tomatoes for a snack later.

I don’t know if it’s the diet, the new thyroid medicine, the lack of nicotine, or just simply a lack of sleep – but I am so tired, I could cry!  I haven’t been sleeping well at night.  The cats drive me nuts and last night I had crazy nightmares.  Yesterday morning I completely overslept by an hour and a half!  This morning I couldn’t drag myself out of bed until 6:40, a full half an hour after I should have gotten up, making me technically late for work.  I just have zero energy and I am FREEZING!  Between being cold and tired, I just want to curl up under a blanket and hibernate.

Just Say No

I don’t know why I did it…  last night I was up late talking to a friend on the phone and when I got off the phone I went straight to the kitchen to find a snack before dinner.  I made the choice to eat an extra dessert last night at 11:30 pm.  What was I thinking??!!  I’ll tell you what I was thinking.  I was thinking, “Well, I’ve been good and really it only ends up being like 1500 calories for the day and that’s so much better than what I normally eat, so I can do that.”  And to some degree that is true, but it’s not a matter of squibbling over 200 calories – it’s an issue of self-control and choices.  I need to have the self-discipline to tell myself “no”.

This morning for breakfast: Chocolate chip scone again (I love them!), raspberries, strawberry yogurt.

For lunch: Chocolate Peanut Butter Bar  on the go.  This is very convenient, since I have to leave at 12:30 to go to a meeting and I don’t really have time to stop and boil water and eat salad, however eating a bar for lunch doesn’t really seem like “lunch”.  I sort of feel cheated out of the eating experience, though I know that nutritionally and technically it is lunch.

My Own McFatty Monday Post

One of the blogs that I read regularly, The Heir to Blair, started posting McFatty Monday recently.   She is also doing the Nutrisystem diet and is a working Mommy, just like I am.  I connected with her and a couple of others via Twitter.  It is nice to have a sense of community.  Just as Blair said, it does suck to do it alone.  Knowing that others are with you in the same boat is comforting.

I didn’t get my Nutrisystem until January 8th.  That was the first day I started eating the Nutrisystem food.  I screwed up the first day and ate two lunch items for lunch, but oh well.  Not the end of the world.  My first weigh in was on December 30th and I weighed 218 (at the doctor’s office).  Yesterday I weighed myself and I weighed 213.  I’d like to think I have lost 5 lbs., but it is equally as probable that the scales are just off sync with the doctor’s scales.  Still, I’m going with 213.

So far I have enjoyed the food for the most part.  It’s not the best food I have eaten, but it is just fine.  I like not having to really cook anything – that is truly my favorite part!  I like the chocolate chip scone quite a lot, it’s just really small.

To go with my scone I have a Yoplait nonfat strawberry yogurt and some raspberries.  It ends up being more than I would normally eat for breakfast.  In fact, despite eating only 900 calories yesterday, I feel like I ate more than I usually do.

For lunch today I am eating cheesy homestyle potatoes.  I think I will go over to the dining hall and eat a nice salad, too.  There is a great salad bar there and as faculty I can eat for free! I also have some tomatoes as an afternoon snack and another yogurt.

Psychologically I feel strong.  Yesterday I went to the mall with Big and we shopped for make-up and on the way out she asked if she could have a drink.  So I stood in line with her at the pretzel stand and felt my mouth watering at the sight of the delicious pretzels.  In reality, it’s not something I would normally crave, but because I hadn’t eaten for hours and was hungry, I felt the urge.  I remained strong though and for that I am proud.  Then we went to the grocery store on the way home.  I felt like it was easier to buy expensive (but healthy) food for myself since I had not wasted $15 on coffee and sweets from CC’s or $10 on junk food at the mall.  I felt justified in buying raspberries and pineapple and other yummy foods that I like to eat.

I suppose my biggest fear right now is that I will get down to 130 again, like I was 6 months ago, and hate the skin I’m in (again).  I need to work on that and be conscious about that as I lose weight again.  It was difficult to accept before – that though I had lost the weight, I still didn’t have the body I wanted.

My goal for this week is to go running 3 times: tonight, Wednesday night, Saturday.  Eventually I’d like to go running every day again, but I think it might not be realistic right now.  I’m going to stick with 3x/week for now.

Patience and Grace

In the last week I have given up smoking and started a new diet.  I am 38 years old and if I don’t quit smoking cigarettes now, I’m going to end up very old way before my day – especially with asthma.  (Oh, that reminds me to take my medicine, which is kick ass and has virtually eliminated all of my asthma symptoms.)  If I don’t start to lose weight now, I will very soon end up weighing 270 like I did 2 years ago.  Of course, I want it all to happen now!  Patience is not my strongest virtue.

I have to accept that this is not only what is best for me, but also that it’s what I want for myself.  That will take some time, because in order to really feel that I need to see some changes.  Until then, logic has to prevail and I have to just believe that I am doing the right thing.

I am shocked by how quickly I have gained back some of the weight that I lost previously.  It took me a little over a year to lose 130 lbs. and I gained back at least 50 of it in 6 months.  I don’t expect to lose weight overnight, but I figure either way 6 months is going to pass and this summer I could either weigh 50 lbs. less or 50 lbs. more.  But, again, I want it to happen now.

What I need now is the Grace to live in the moment and to appreciate the small steps and stop focusing on the end result.  I need to think about one week at a time, one day at a time – not 6 months from now.  I need to be self-disciplined enough to follow my diet to the letter, not straying to sneak that piece of cheese or even just an extra Nutrisystem dessert.  Oddly enough, my desire to eat is much stronger than my desire to smoke cigarettes.  I can attest to my cravings and urges for food being more pressing than my urge to smoke.  Why is that?  I think that I have a psychological addiction to food – it comforts me, it gives me pleasure, it fills a void.  So now I need to find something else to comfort me, to give me pleasure, and more importantly I need to fill that void with something productive and useful.  So what do normal people do?  What is a normal Saturday like for other people?  How do thin people avoid eating all day long?

Ok, I can do this!

So as I was leaving for work this morning a big box arrived and inside it was a month’s worth of NutriSystem food.  Yes, it’s astronaut food.  Add water and eat.  I’m down with that though – I don’t like to cook really, so making astronaut food is just fine with me.  Today for lunch I ate split pea soup and a chocolate peanut butter bar.  I’m trying to stomach the Cool Lemonade “Flavor Fulls”, which are the equivalent of Crystal Light with fiber.  They don’t taste very good though.  I thought the soup was fine and the chocolate peanut butter bar was yummy.  Portion control is obviously one of the strengths of the program.  I think the soup isn’t much more than a cup of soup.  It is filling though, with 10 grams of fiber!

I am anxious to get home and look at what all is in the package and plan out my meals for the next several days.  I think the challenge will be to eat *only* the portions allotted to me each meal.   I never really feel full and satiated, I am always left wanting more food.  Even now with the soup, while I feel full, I also feel like if food were offered to me right now I would want to eat it.  So this is the part where I need to do a lot of self-talking.  It’s important to remind myself that I am *not* hungry.  I do not *need* the food in front of me.  I am not starving.  I have all the nutrition in my tummy that I need.

I am excited to give this a go and I feel very fortunate that I can afford to buy the food to do this program.  I think I always used money as an excuse in the past.  ”If I had the money to do it right, I would.”  Well, I have the money to do it now, so let’s have it!  Bring it on!!

Saturday is so boring!

Today is Saturday.  It is a BORING day!  I woke up and lazed around a bit and then got up and went to the gym.  I ran 1.7 miles / 25 minutes and then came home.  I don’t know if I have the right shoes… my feet hurt in the same place on both sides about 15 minutes into it.  It’s excruciating.

Now I need to get in the shower, clean house a bit, and cook something to eat.  I am craving scrambled eggs for some reason, so scrambled eggs it is!  YUM.  For dinner tonight I’m making tofu and basmati rice.  I have to clean the kitchen first though.  It’s just plain nasty.

Argh!!!  It’s hard not to just eat all day when it’s so boring.