Gratitude

I spend so much time bitching about my life.  A friend has inspired me to write down three things for which I am grateful!  (Yay, more lists!)

1.  My husband is quite possibly the best husband in the world.  I’m serious.  If ever a woman was spoiled it is me.  On the weekends he gets up with the girls so I can sleep in.  He wakes me gently with a Diet Pepsi.   He sends me flowers when I have a bad day.  He makes the sun rise and set every day!

2.  My girls are perfection.  They are sweet, compassionate, empathetic little creatures who also happen to be smart and beautiful.  Little takes such good care of her babies and Big takes such good care of Little.  I am truly lucky that I genuinely enjoy both of them.

3.  My job pays me well and provides benefits for my family.  Sure, I bitch about my job all the time, but in reality it’s not a bad gig.  It’s not like I toil in the hot sun for minimum wage.  With a Master’s degree and several years of experience I make a respectable salary and provide health, dental, and vision benefits for my family.  Added to that, Big gets to go to a top notch private school at a fraction of the cost.

My 10 favorite things (at least this week)

I thought I’d write something silly and totally unrelated to diet, since I’m at an impasse.  A favorite things list.  I LOVE to make lists!  These are some of my favorite things, aside from the obvious (my husband and children!)

1.  My MAC make-up.  Big got me started on it and now one of the things we can do for fun is shop for make up at the mall.  She helps me pick out colors and I foot the bill.  It is kind of fun to share make-up with my daughter.

2.  My Macbook.  I had no idea how much I hated PC’s until I got my Macbook.  It is dreamy.  Once you’ve had Mac you can never go back.

3.  My iPhone.  It has revolutionized my world.  Why?  Because I’m no longer grumpy when I have to sit in the car for 15 minutes and wait for Big to finish at the football game or when I’m stuck in miserable traffic.  Waiting for the doctor isn’t nearly as awful as it used to be – I can play Monopoly!

4.  My Hitachi Magic Wand.  Yes, everyone should have one!

5.  Body & Soul Magazine.  It’s hippie dippy, it’s organic, it’s yogaish – kind of like me!

6.  My kitty.  I can’t imagine what I will do when his time is up.  He sleeps at night with his head in my hand.  Every night.

7.  Sushi.  I love it that you can get really good Sushi at Whole Foods and take it home for dinner.  It makes for a nice dinner without a bajillion calories.

8.  Berries.  Nature’s answer to candy!  Raspberries, blackberries… did you know that there are Golden Raspberries??!!  They pretty much taste the same as the red ones, but I didn’t even know they existed until recently.

9.  The painting that hangs above my bed.  A very good friend of mine sent it to me because I was his muse for the painting.  In My Bed Lies The Souls of All Redheads is the title of the painting.

10.  My Flip Video camera.  I never really know what to film, but I love knowing that I can film something if I want to!

McFatty Monday on a Wednesday

I was sick on Monday and didn’t post, so today is my McFatty Monday.  I have to admit, I have totally sucked at this diet thing.  All I can think about is eating FOOD.  Not Nutrisystem food, but food food!  I feel hungry most of the time and I don’t like it at all.  I totally fell off the wagon this weekend.  I ate out with my husband on Friday night and I didn’t even try – I had spinach artichoke dip with bruschetta, steak, sweet potato fries… I pretty much pigged out.  Being sick this weekend and Monday and Tuesday I didn’t really care what I ate.  I ate too much of everything.  The Nutrisystem Fudge Graham bars are fucking yummy!  I found myself eating them as candy, not as a meal.  I think I ate 3 in a day.  Add that to no exercise – zero, nilch, nada.  No, this is not good.

I begged my husband to bring me cinnamon rolls from CC’s.  All I could think about were cinnamon rolls.  They have me under their spell.  The first chance I got, I got one.  Then another day I had another.  This morning on my drive to work I stopped and got a guilt-free vanilla latte and yet another cinnamon roll, despite having brought my Nutrisystem blueberry muffin and yogurt to work.  Why?  Pure desire.  I want one.

There is a part of me that wants to just cancel my next Nutrisystem order, eat what I have when I feel like eating it so it doesn’t go to waste, and quit trying all together.  What’s the point, really?  Who do I have to impress?  My (wonderful) husband loves me just the way I am and more.  I am not looking to attract a mate.  I don’t need others to find me attractive. So where to go and what to do?  I am terribly discouraged because after initially losing 5 lbs., I lost nothing.  I feel as though it was a waste of time to deny myself the yummy things in life only to find that on the scales it didn’t pay off. So what’s the point of going through this hell in order to lose weight?  Couldn’t I be happier if I just ate freely?  I don’t know the answer to that question, mostly because I am not sure why I am so unhappy deep down in my core.

This week’s McFatty Monday (on Wednesday) report: I didn’t even bother to weigh myself.  I have no idea how much I’ve gained, but I’m certain I haven’t lost any.  I’m in limbo.  Thoughts?

Hungry Hungry Hippo

I feel hungry.  I think I am not eating enough vegetables and the small portions of Nutrisystem food aren’t cutting it.  This morning I had a cherry yogurt and a chocolate chip scone – the last one until I order more food.  I think it’s super delish, but small.  I want to eat three more of them.  For lunch today I am eating the pouch of Chicken Salad with a salad.  I truly hope it is more filling.

I am a little disappointed because I haven’t lost any more weight.  It’s a little discouraging to be hungry and not lose weight.  I was okay with hungry when there was a result that made it worth it, but to be hungry for (what seems like) nothing is quickly becoming a negative experience.

It’s impossible to be grouchy when…

…your husband is awesome and sends you flowers to cheer you up.

I hate my job

I recognize that I am particularly grumpy today, which is why I’ll vent here rather than take it out on someone else.  No comments please.

1) I just had to teach a Spanish II student how to look up a word that she should know from Spanish I.  She literally had no idea how to use a Spanish-English dictionary.  Why?  Because they never look anything up, they use their computer for everything.  Our 1:1 laptop program has created the laziest group of students I’ve ever seen.  I think the mandate to use technology is detrimental for things like translations where students need to get out a dictionary and actually look up a word as a part of the learning process.  They get nothing from typing the word into Google and having it spit back out at them in the target language.  I fucking hate the 1:1 laptop program!

2) I don’t give a shit if you were sick last night or if you were playing frisbee.  Turn in your work!!  You had 2 days of class time to do your translation and have 1 paragraph done??!!  WTF?!  No, a note from your Mom stating that you were sick is not going to excuse you from turning in your work.  ARRRRGH.

3) I am pissed that I have to get up extra early and be at work at 6:00 am on Friday so that I can drive an hour into NOLA to visit a school and watch their classes when I am being pushed to get my class through material.  I don’t care one bit to observe another school’s AP Spanish class.  Not a bit.  I don’t teach AP.  We don’t even have an AP program, yet I have to go.  Not happy about that.

I hate my job.  I should not be a teacher.  I don’t like the kids.  I don’t like their parents.  I don’t like grading papers every night.  I don’t like curriculum maps.  I don’t like my administrators.  I don’t like my department chair.  I don’t like my colleagues.  I hate my job.

You Don’t Eat… You Don’t Smoke… What Do You Do?

Today is Nutrisystem Day 6 and Smoke-Free Day 13.   For breakfast I had the Nutrisystem Double Chocolate Muffin, raspberries, blackberries, and a Yoplait nonfat cherry yogurt.  I *love* berries.  I swear, I could just eat berries for every meal.  For lunch I am planning to eat the Nutrisystem Noodles w/ Chicken & Vegetables.  I like being able to grab broccoli and cauliflower off the salad bar to go with my lunch – it’s irresistibly convenient!  I have another yogurt and some cherry tomatoes for a snack later.

I don’t know if it’s the diet, the new thyroid medicine, the lack of nicotine, or just simply a lack of sleep – but I am so tired, I could cry!  I haven’t been sleeping well at night.  The cats drive me nuts and last night I had crazy nightmares.  Yesterday morning I completely overslept by an hour and a half!  This morning I couldn’t drag myself out of bed until 6:40, a full half an hour after I should have gotten up, making me technically late for work.  I just have zero energy and I am FREEZING!  Between being cold and tired, I just want to curl up under a blanket and hibernate.

Just Say No

I don’t know why I did it…  last night I was up late talking to a friend on the phone and when I got off the phone I went straight to the kitchen to find a snack before dinner.  I made the choice to eat an extra dessert last night at 11:30 pm.  What was I thinking??!!  I’ll tell you what I was thinking.  I was thinking, “Well, I’ve been good and really it only ends up being like 1500 calories for the day and that’s so much better than what I normally eat, so I can do that.”  And to some degree that is true, but it’s not a matter of squibbling over 200 calories – it’s an issue of self-control and choices.  I need to have the self-discipline to tell myself “no”.

This morning for breakfast: Chocolate chip scone again (I love them!), raspberries, strawberry yogurt.

For lunch: Chocolate Peanut Butter Bar  on the go.  This is very convenient, since I have to leave at 12:30 to go to a meeting and I don’t really have time to stop and boil water and eat salad, however eating a bar for lunch doesn’t really seem like “lunch”.  I sort of feel cheated out of the eating experience, though I know that nutritionally and technically it is lunch.

My Own McFatty Monday Post

One of the blogs that I read regularly, The Heir to Blair, started posting McFatty Monday recently.   She is also doing the Nutrisystem diet and is a working Mommy, just like I am.  I connected with her and a couple of others via Twitter.  It is nice to have a sense of community.  Just as Blair said, it does suck to do it alone.  Knowing that others are with you in the same boat is comforting.

I didn’t get my Nutrisystem until January 8th.  That was the first day I started eating the Nutrisystem food.  I screwed up the first day and ate two lunch items for lunch, but oh well.  Not the end of the world.  My first weigh in was on December 30th and I weighed 218 (at the doctor’s office).  Yesterday I weighed myself and I weighed 213.  I’d like to think I have lost 5 lbs., but it is equally as probable that the scales are just off sync with the doctor’s scales.  Still, I’m going with 213.

So far I have enjoyed the food for the most part.  It’s not the best food I have eaten, but it is just fine.  I like not having to really cook anything – that is truly my favorite part!  I like the chocolate chip scone quite a lot, it’s just really small.

To go with my scone I have a Yoplait nonfat strawberry yogurt and some raspberries.  It ends up being more than I would normally eat for breakfast.  In fact, despite eating only 900 calories yesterday, I feel like I ate more than I usually do.

For lunch today I am eating cheesy homestyle potatoes.  I think I will go over to the dining hall and eat a nice salad, too.  There is a great salad bar there and as faculty I can eat for free! I also have some tomatoes as an afternoon snack and another yogurt.

Psychologically I feel strong.  Yesterday I went to the mall with Big and we shopped for make-up and on the way out she asked if she could have a drink.  So I stood in line with her at the pretzel stand and felt my mouth watering at the sight of the delicious pretzels.  In reality, it’s not something I would normally crave, but because I hadn’t eaten for hours and was hungry, I felt the urge.  I remained strong though and for that I am proud.  Then we went to the grocery store on the way home.  I felt like it was easier to buy expensive (but healthy) food for myself since I had not wasted $15 on coffee and sweets from CC’s or $10 on junk food at the mall.  I felt justified in buying raspberries and pineapple and other yummy foods that I like to eat.

I suppose my biggest fear right now is that I will get down to 130 again, like I was 6 months ago, and hate the skin I’m in (again).  I need to work on that and be conscious about that as I lose weight again.  It was difficult to accept before – that though I had lost the weight, I still didn’t have the body I wanted.

My goal for this week is to go running 3 times: tonight, Wednesday night, Saturday.  Eventually I’d like to go running every day again, but I think it might not be realistic right now.  I’m going to stick with 3x/week for now.

Patience and Grace

In the last week I have given up smoking and started a new diet.  I am 38 years old and if I don’t quit smoking cigarettes now, I’m going to end up very old way before my day – especially with asthma.  (Oh, that reminds me to take my medicine, which is kick ass and has virtually eliminated all of my asthma symptoms.)  If I don’t start to lose weight now, I will very soon end up weighing 270 like I did 2 years ago.  Of course, I want it all to happen now!  Patience is not my strongest virtue.

I have to accept that this is not only what is best for me, but also that it’s what I want for myself.  That will take some time, because in order to really feel that I need to see some changes.  Until then, logic has to prevail and I have to just believe that I am doing the right thing.

I am shocked by how quickly I have gained back some of the weight that I lost previously.  It took me a little over a year to lose 130 lbs. and I gained back at least 50 of it in 6 months.  I don’t expect to lose weight overnight, but I figure either way 6 months is going to pass and this summer I could either weigh 50 lbs. less or 50 lbs. more.  But, again, I want it to happen now.

What I need now is the Grace to live in the moment and to appreciate the small steps and stop focusing on the end result.  I need to think about one week at a time, one day at a time – not 6 months from now.  I need to be self-disciplined enough to follow my diet to the letter, not straying to sneak that piece of cheese or even just an extra Nutrisystem dessert.  Oddly enough, my desire to eat is much stronger than my desire to smoke cigarettes.  I can attest to my cravings and urges for food being more pressing than my urge to smoke.  Why is that?  I think that I have a psychological addiction to food – it comforts me, it gives me pleasure, it fills a void.  So now I need to find something else to comfort me, to give me pleasure, and more importantly I need to fill that void with something productive and useful.  So what do normal people do?  What is a normal Saturday like for other people?  How do thin people avoid eating all day long?